“MasterChef Australia” is the Undisputed
Heavyweight Champion of the World. It makes every other competition look like a choir boy. You
witness the biggest, baddest, greatest war in the world; so much swagger, that
it turns Hell’s Kitchen into heaven.
Here’s how this thing works: Top 50 turns to Top 24. Filter that down to
the Top 10. They battle it out to the Top 5. And one rises as Master Chef
Australia.
But there are some
serious potholes, like Pune roads, bad for balls good for nothing, you’re
brushing, cutting, buzzing, crashing, crushing, rushing, to the end of the
world.
Mystery box, Pressure Test, Elimination challenge, Team Challenge,
Invention test, going toe-to toe, friend turns to foe, MasterClass, Immunity,
travel, First Class, guest chefs, wine tasting, sampling, a day off, family,
serious friendships, justified war, a mistake, saying “for fuck sake”,
cook-off, chef whites, cheering, winning, the pantry, the pastry, ostinato, the
unconquerable Risotto.
I love the show.
The judges are tools. On security, the bodyguard of the band Mr. Matt
Preston. Nobody’s going to fuck with you. Gary Mehigan and George Calombaris;
the mad scientists.
My favorite contestant comes from Season 3, actually she comes from
Queensland. It’s the top Eastern state of Australia; the “Sunshine State”.
Their capital is Brisbane. The folk there are called Banana Bender. And is the
keeper of the “Great Barrier Reef”.
Her name is Ellie
Paxton-Hall.
She’s Ellie to me; and Elspeth to you. Mostly because there’s a tiny
history to us. And that’s why I wanted her to be the first MasterChef
interview. This was very last minute.
In fact, it was 9:00 am this morning. And since it was improvised, like
jazz, I'm not taking the motherfucking cynics or the critics seriously. Wait, I
never do.
Madam has moved to
Melbourne.
Phone calls are great, but Skye is better, you wave goodbye instead of
saying “later”.
Ellie was sitting in
her apartment. Goofball that she is, glasses, leaning back, fixing her hair,
smiling, chuckling, blueish-grey tee, earplugs; she was being a girl.
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How’s the Kangaroo doing?
(Laughs)
She’s fine. She’s good.
Wave Ellie.
(Waves
and smiles) Hieee.
What are you doing in Melbourne?
I’m studying Business at Melbourne Uni. Sort of learning the business end of cooking. And I’m actually
studying right now as well. Got a couple of tests today.(Chuckles)
What did you have for breakfast? It’s
unbecoming to ask actors and singers, but chefs…
(Laughs) Yes chefs you can ask. I just had some Muesli.
Oh how boring.
No
Eggs Benedict. We have a pretty strong café culture here. But I made a wrap for
lunch. Ham, cucumber, tomatoes, lettuce, and basil. (Smiles). I’m making fish
for dinner. I told my boyfriend to buy 6 random ingredients. So he got fish,
and figs, and a few other things. I was thinking Pan seared Salmon and some
home-made hash and… (Laughs). Mystery Box at home. Doesn’t end.
Babe, how fresh is the competition to you?
Can we go back? For Auld Lang Syne.
Yea.
I mean they’re replaying our season so I watched a little bit. I remember it
well. It’s just something that happened for me.
I wanted to go into nursing, I don’t know why. But I didn’t enjoy it
that much. And then I came on to the show. And that went quite well. I cooked a
lot growing up.
Week 1: 50 of you walked in. What was your
first impression of the kitchen?
Well
it’s certainly overwhelming. But it’s really fun as well. It’s a very graceful
show…
…Not Ramsayesque. (Interrupting) Nobody’s
swearing.
(Laughs)
Yeah. I was watching that version. It’s quite funny.
Tell me a little about all the judges; given
that we don’t have a great deal of time today.
Yeah.
I have to go. I have to study. And cook.
At Uni, do they make you cook for them? I mean
I would.
(Laughs)
Ah. Not really. Happens every now and then. But that’s fine. What were we
saying? Ah the judges. They’re really nice. Very cool. And they’re very
helpful. See their knowledge is extraordinary. It’s very real. Matt Preston’s
the best. He’s hilarious. And he’s big. But he’s really funny. That’s what
makes the show so good. And they know their food so well. The judges they make
good mates. (Smiles) I mean we don’t hang out outside the show. Now George
(Calombaris) is very quirky. He spices thing up. Gary (Mehigan) is more the dad figure. They’re
shooting the next season are they?
Yes.
Ah
(makes a noise and smiles).
Were the cameras rolling the whole time?
No,
no. Only in the kitchen, and sometimes in the house.
Gary made you cry once.
Yeah.
(Laughs) That’s fine. Then they group hugged me. Which was sweet. We did that a lot. I was very
young on the show, and very impressionable. That I can tell you. I was very
naive. I was the goofball in the season. (Short pause and laughs)
So you can imagine, the judges they were all putty; makes the show extraordinary and nutty, all at once. Its tenderness; swirling images, with a soulful intensity that brightens your day. You cut the roses and make a bouquet, stand on the apex of the sun's way; every action replay, every papier-mache is stopped from exponential decay. Ellie was a moment of pure tenderness on the show. Tear jerker that one. Watching her cook was pure joy.
Let’s only do highlights. What was your
favorite Master Class?
I’d
have to say the one in New York. We met American chefs. You pick up a few
things. You learn. I mean, you don’t apply that to the next challenge. But it’s
good, you know.
Week 2: You made it to top 24. Hayden won an
Immunity Pin. But tell me about being rudely woken up just to bake break for 5
restaurants. Which team were you in?
The
Blue Team. I pretty sure we lost that challenge. It was nightmarish. It’s just boring, you
know, all that bread. That sort of thing. The Boys vs. Girls was actually one
of my favorites. It was a lot of fun. That was the "Mean Fiddler Pub" challenge.
It was actually one of my favorite moments on the show.
Week 4: Invention Test Mystery Box. And we
landed in Elimination, again. (Laughs)
“Smoked
Octopus”. (Laughs) you know it’s not a hard thing to do. But it’s one of those
things that didn’t work because we didn’t talk to each other enough. It was a
result of miscommunication. But these things happen. Like when I made the
“Chiffon Cake with Black Sesame Ice-Cream and Coconut Tapioca”. It’s not a
nightmare to make. It’s not very challenging. But it landed me in elimination.
It’s just cake and ice cream (Laughs). I
actually like baking.
Did you do the Heston Blumenthal challenge?
How much of a nightmare does he present?
I
don’t think I did that challenge. (Laughs) Wait, did I? But his food is quite
challenging. It’s so intricate. But (Adriano) Zumbo is worse. (Pauses)
Definitely worse.
Week 8: Someone was under the weather.
Yea.
Food poisoning or something. I was vomiting a lot. And that landed me in the
bottom four. But I led the Red Team into victory after. (Laughs) And they liked what I did with George's mum Mary Calombaris's dish. I was one of the best. (Laughs) Michael's too.
Haha yes. Even the pressure test where you
burnt your hand and universally impressed the judges with that Duck a l’orange.
And meeting Marco Pierre White. Does he still have that swagger?
Oh yeah. He still has it. But he’s pretty cool. He’s considered to be a big shot in that
industry. Has that rockstar swagger, totally.
New York was a good week for you, wasnt it?
It
really was. I made Steak, with Green Sauce, like herbs. And Ravioli. And then
cooking at the General Assembly Hall of the United Nations. They liked the
“Duck Canapé”. And I won a shot at
Immunity with that Italian guy, Cesare Casella. I wasn’t nervous with the face
off.
He carries Rosemary in his pocket, that one. Nut.
That was a bit silly. (Laughs) Because there was nothing really riding on
it. Less pressure come to think of it. I was just having fun. Because it was fun cooking outside. People were looking. Friends were cheering. And
I won Immunity. See that’s always good. (Laughs).
Cut to week 13: a teary elimination (Making a
face).
(Laughs)
Semi Final’s week. I was in the Top 5. Leaving is pretty sad. But I was looking
forward to going home. I was over it. I wanted to see family and friends. The
experience is something else. It was unlike anything else I had ever done. I
learnt a lot from it, a lot. And I became very valuable experience. I’m
currently writing a book. Don't have a title yet. That’s what I’ve taken away from it, to keep trying
new things.
Who were your mates in the house?
Hayden
and Alana. We were together right till the end. That’s a long time. We were
around each other every day. I mean we don’t meet these days. Everybody’s sort
of scattered. We all did go out to restaurants and stuff. Never really go
together and cooked or anything. (Laughs). We’ve never done that. But everyone
is busy. Especially post the show. I worked in a restaurant for a few months. I
did a few things before starting Uni. Worked in a café and all.
You guys made George and Gary face off post
the show. Who’s the better chef?
A
mystery Box, yeah. I think George won, yes. He’s the better chef I think. He’s
got like seven restaurants in Melbourne.
Ellie, will you visit me?
Yeah.
Totally. I’d love to. You want me to cook for you?
Yes please.
Haha. Okay.
And
for who care,
here’s our little history.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't have shared it. But its a funny story.
See in ’96 Spielberg released “Twister”.
Classic
shit; Helen Hunt, therapists, Cows flying, Bill Paxton.
I was only 11.
But I
had decided on kicking Spielberg’s ass someday with a film about Firestorms.
Only one place on earth where's that's a real threat; Australia. And instead of Nicole, I wanted someone else.
Enter, Ellie Paxton-Hall.
SS had Bill Paxton; I had Ellie Paxton. And
mine was the prettier of the Paxtons.
Maybe one day we’ll make that picture,
with Ellie in the lead. But here’s the joke we cracked: The growth
outside Sydney is locally called “The Bush”. Then I thought of 9GAG and the
memes they’d come up with: “The Bush is on Fire”.
That would have been career ending. So we renamed it to “The Blaze”.
Ellie went on with her day; she studied and cooked. I wrote this. She's a goofball that one; but all the best ones are.
We'll meet soon.
